


It Only Takes Once

by ArcticLights



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, M/M, Minor Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, References to Abuse, Trigger warning: abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 13:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14593794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLights/pseuds/ArcticLights
Summary: It only takes one mistake to take all of your happiness away. Shigeru learns that the hard way.





	It Only Takes Once

**Author's Note:**

> So for the trigger warning, the abuse is referenced and it's not Kentarou or Shigeru. There is one instance where someone gets slapped, but there is no other abuse in the fic.
> 
> There was no beta because fuck this fic

“Kyoutani-kun?”

 

Kentarou looked up from the box he was unloading onto the shelf. His manager was standing there smiling down at him.

 

“Yes, ma’am?”

 

“Enough with the ma’am already, Kyoutani-kun. Call me Kimura-san. Anyways, were you still looking to pick up extra shifts? We got some more products in than we were expecting so we could use help shelving them if you want to stay late.”

 

Kentarou’s eyes lit up.

 

“Please, I mean, yeah I’ll stay to help.”

 

She nodded.

 

“Okay, good. You can stay as long as you need to.”

 

“Thank you ma-“ he cleared his throat, “Kimura-san.”

 

She waved him off as she walked away. His job here at Lawson was his favorite out of the two he had. They had the best fried chicken and he was always allowed to buy a box right when they came out if the fryer. It didn’t hurt that Kimura-san always came to him first when she needed help coving a shift.

 

He’d been working as much overtime as possible the past few weeks. Shigeru’s birthday was coming up in a little under a month and Kentarou wanted to surprise him with a trip to Hokkaido for the weekend. He excused himself to the back room to send Shigeru a quick text to let him know he was working late again before going back out to continue working.

 

About forty-five minutes into his overtime Kimura-san called him into the back office. She handed him the store’s phone and he held it up to his ear.

 

“This is Kyoutani.”

 

_“Nii-chan?! I’ve been trying to call you for almost an hour!”_

 

“Kimiko? I picked up an extra shift, so my phone is still in my locker. Is everything okay?”

 

_“Ayako needs you. Her boyfriend’s getting scarier and she wants to break up with him before it gets worse. She’s afraid of what he’ll do to her when she breaks up with him, but she thinks something bad will happen tonight if she goes out with him. Can you come over?”_

 

Kentarou’s face hardened into a glare and he cleared his throat.

 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. Don’t let him talk her into meeting him before I get there, alright?”

 

_“Thanks, Nii-chan.”_

 

He handed the phone back to Kimura and she hung it up.

 

“Sorry, Kimura-san. Something came up with my sister’s best friend and she really needs my help. I can stay late tomorrow to finish if the guys in the morning can’t get it done.”

 

“It’s fine, Kyoutani-kun. Your sister sounded like she was panicking when she couldn’t reach you, is everything alright?”

 

“Yeah, she’s just scared for her friend because of something that’s happened to her in the past. She wants me to come help before it has a chance to get bad. Sorry that I can’t stay to help.”

 

“It’s alright, family is more important. Stay safe, sounds like you’re gonna go meet a scoundrel.”

 

Kyoutani smiled back at her.

 

“I never liked him anyway, it’s gonna be nice to see him leave once and for all. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Goodnight, Kyoutani-kun.”

 

Kentarou rushed back to the changing room, got back into his street clothes, and ran for his sister’s apartment. Luckily, she was only a few minutes away if he walked, so he was able to get there in three when he ran. Once he got to her door he knocked twice then stood back with his arms linked over his head to try to catch his breath. She opened the door and pounced on him with a hug.

 

“Nii-chan!”

 

Kentarou wrapped her up in a hug.

 

“Hey, Kimiko. Where’s Aya-chan?”

 

“She’s inside. Maeda-kun hasn’t stopped texting her to go out tonight.”

 

“Mmm, we’ll go out to see him tonight, but that’s the last time. I can’t wait to see him leave, he always got under my skin.”

 

“I know, I know. You’re always right, we get it.”

 

“That’s not what I said brat. If he made her happy I’d work my way past it, but he obviously isn’t so now I can shove my hate for him in his face if he tries anything stupid.”

 

Kimiko led him into the living room where Ayako was sitting on the couch, pale as a sheet and gripping her phone so hard Kentarou thought she might break it. He slid onto the couch next to her and gently pried the phone out of her hand then pulled her close.

 

“It’s okay, Aya-chan, I’m here. You wanna wait a bit before we go?”

 

She shook her head.

 

“If I wait anymore I’ll probably lose my nerves.”

 

He nodded and helped her up before taking her hand and walking her to the door.

 

“We’ll be back soon Kimiko. Can you get some ice cream for later? I’ll make parfaits if you get the stuff for ‘em.”

 

“Sure thing, Nii-chan. Go dump that loser Ayako!”

 

Ayako laughed and called back into the house.

 

“I have Kenta-nii, I’ll get rid of Yuuma-kun for good!”

 

“He’s Maeda-san now, Aya-chan. Tell him to meet us in front of the station. If we’re in public he’s less likely to act out.”

 

She nodded and texted him as they walked their way to the station. It was crowded from several people going to the various fast food restaurants around the station. Kentarou found a bench and pulled Ayako to sit with him while they waited. When Maeda arrived he reached to grab Ayako by the arm and Kentarou knocked his hand away.

 

“What the hell is your problem Kyoutani?”

 

“She isn’t here to leave with you, and I’m here to make sure you don’t try to force her.”

 

“Ayako! What the hell is he talking about?”

 

She clung to Kentarou’s arm and looked back at Maeda with a glare as fierce as she could get.

 

“I’m breaking up with you, Maeda-san.”

 

He flushed red and started to raise his voice.

 

“You’re leaving me for this- this _fag?”_

 

Kentarou grabbed him by the collar and pulled him so their faces were a centimeter apart.

 

“This _fag_ is closer to her then you could ever hope to be.” He threw Maeda back into the wall and pulled Ayako to his chest. “Leave, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll never contact her again. Do you understand me?”

 

Maeda scowled at them both, spit in Kentarou’s face and stormed off. Kentarou wiped his face off with his sleeve and grumbled about how people are fucking disgusting. Ayako reached into her purse and pulled out her hand sanitizer before putting some on her handkerchief to wipe off Kentarou’s face.

 

“I’m so sorry Kenta-nii, I can’t believe he spit on you!”

 

“It’s fine, Aya-chan. You okay?”

 

She looked up at him and her eyes were lined with tears, but she nodded anyway. He huffed out a laugh and hugged her close before giving her a kiss on her forehead.

 

“You did the right thing, you know. That’s what I’m here for.”

 

“He shouldn’t have spit on you…or called you a fag.”

 

“Just goes to show that he isn’t worthy of you, that’s all. Besides I’d rather him do that to me than let him hurt you.”

 

She giggled and rubbed her face in his chest.

 

“If you’re not careful I’m gonna fall for you.”

 

“Sorry, I’m taken.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Shigeru’s lucky to have you.”

 

“I’m lucky to have him too, you know.” He sighed and hugged her tighter. “You’ll find the one for you someday, Kimiko and I will be here for you until you do.”

 

She pouted and looked up at him.

 

“You better be there after I do too!”

 

“Of course. Now, let’s get you back to Kimiko’s. Need to make some parfaits before she eats all of the ice cream.”

 

Ayako laughed before breaking away and grabbing his hand to drag him back down the street.

 

\---

 

Shigeru sighed after looking at his phone when he got out from work. Kentarou was working overtime again for the who-knows-how-manyth time in the past month and a half. Building up a savings was nice, but damn if he didn’t miss actually spending time with his boyfriend. What good was it to live together if they still didn’t see each other? He started to wonder if he was losing to the fried chicken Kentarou got at work.

 

Shigeru shook it off and decided to just get some ikura-don at his favorite place down by the station. It was quick, easy, and a welcome change from the conbini bentos he usually gets for himself on nights like this. Hell, the station was only about a ten minute walk from Lawson, maybe he could get a couple bowls to go and just eat with Kentarou on one of his breaks.

 

With that thought in mind Shigeru grabbed his coat and his bag and hopped on the train. He hummed to himself until they reached his stop and he climbed up the stairs to reach the street level when his world suddenly crashed around him.

 

Kentarou was standing next to a bench about ten meters away with a woman wrapped up in his arms and his lips on her forehead. They were talking and he saw her smile before she rubbed her face in Kentarou’s chest. Shigeru was frozen in place as he saw her pull away and grab Kentarou by the wrist to pull him down the street and both of them were smiling.

 

Overtime?

 

_This was his overtime?_

 

Come to think of it… there wasn’t really any difference to their bank account compared to usual. If Kentarou was really working so many more hours they would have extra money, right?

 

Shigeru was finding it hard to breathe and found himself sitting down on the bench Kentarou just walked away from with that woman. This couldn’t be happening. Kentarou was cheating on him. Was he not enough? They hadn’t had a real fight in years, so it couldn’t be that. Did he want kids? That’s something Shigeru couldn’t give him…

 

He ended up walking home without getting dinner and sat on the couch, mulling over everything he just saw. Shock turned to tears, tears turned to frustration, then frustration turned to rage.

 

What the hell was his problem anyway? If there was something wrong with their relationship they could’ve talked it out. Why the fuck did he have to cheat? Was there some fucking thrill in infidelity?

 

Shigeru heard the door open and Kentarou call out that he was home. Before Kentarou even had a chance to take off his shoes Shigeru was in his face in the entryway.

 

“WHO IS SHE?!”

 

Kentarou stared back at him in shock.

 

“Who is who?”

 

“YOUR WOMAN! THE ONE I SAW YOU WITH TONIGHT WHEN YOU WERE ’WORKING OVERTIME’!”

 

“Shigeru I was-“

 

“DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME MORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE KENTAROU!”

 

“Shigeru, calm down let me-“

 

“LET YOU WHAT? EXPLAIN? WHY WOULD I WANT TO HEAR DETAILS OF YOUR AFFAIR?!”

 

“I’m not chea-“

 

“I FUCKING SAW YOU AT THE STATION!”

 

“SHIGERU! SHUT UP AND LISTEN-“

 

Before he could stop himself, Shigeru pulled his arm back and slapped Kentarou across the face as hard as he could. Kentarou stumbled backwards until he hit the door with his hand cupped to the side of his face and staring back at Shigeru with a mixture of shock and hurt on his face. Shigeru just glared back at him.

 

“Shut up and listen, huh? I don’t wanna hear anything you have to say.”

 

Kentarou cleared his throat before turning around to open the door.

 

“We’re done here, Shigeru.”

 

He walked outside and Shigeru followed him out, still fuming.

 

“FINE! WALK AWAY! YOU ALWAYS WERE GOOD AT THAT!”

 

He went back inside and slammed the door shut before storming into their room, flopping onto the bed and crying himself to sleep. The next morning his alarm on his cell woke him up at what felt like way too early in the morning. There were no messages from Kentarou, not that he really expected any, so he got ready and left for work.

 

As he went through his day he thought back on last night. He was so upset that he didn’t let Kentarou say anything, even when Kentarou finally yelled back to try to get him to listen all he did was slap him. Anger was a pretty terrifying thing. He knew he needed to apologize, but that was something he needed to say to Kentarou’s face. Shigeru decided to make some kara-age when he got home to try to help emphasize how badly he wanted to make up.

 

By the time he got off work there were still no messages, when he got home it was still just as silent and empty as when he’d left. He cooked dinner and waited on the couch, but Kentarou never came home and never called or sent a text. Shigeru tried to call him but the recording told him the phone was off or out of the service area.

 

Come to think of it, when Kentarou left he didn’t take anything with him. His phone was probably dead by now, but if he was still angry about last night he probably wanted to be left alone. Shigeru ate alone and made sure to leave plenty of the chicken left over for Kentarou to hopefully have the next day.

 

Two more days passed, and the panic that Shigeru was shoving to the back of his mind was coming at him in full force. He called all of their friends and old teammates, but Kentarou wasn’t staying with any of them. He tried calling Kimiko, but it went to voicemail so he left a message asking her to call him back as soon as she got it.

 

If he thought his world was crashing around him when he saw Kentarou holding the woman in his arms, then the feeling when he went to Lawson to see if Kentarou was there was like his universe had stopped. Kentarou’s boss was standing in front of him and shaking her head.

 

“Kyoutani was working a few days ago but his sister called him for help after I asked him to stay a little over to help unload some extra stock that came in. He came back later that night and he looked really upset, telling me that his situation at home had changed so he had to quit. He came back the next day to get his check, but I haven’t seen him since. I hope everything’s alright, he’s a good boy.”

 

He thanked her and walked back outside, he blankly wandered into the nearby park and sat on a bench before burying his face in his hands. Kentarou quit his job that he loved so much? More importantly, his boss said he really was working overtime that night but he got called away. The woman didn’t look like Kimiko though, so who was it?

 

He tried calling Kentarou for the probably thirtieth time in the past two hours and got the same message as before. He shoved his phone in his pocket and started walking to Iwaizumi and Oikawa’s house. They were the closest people he could think of and he knew Kentarou would come to Iwaizumi if he was in trouble. When he got to their door Iwaizumi answered and looked at him with a sigh.

 

“I was wondering when you’d finally show up. He’s not here but you can come in if you’d like. Tooru was just making some tea, I’ll have him pour another glass.”

 

Shigeru nodded and followed Iwaizumi into the living room after taking off his shoes. He sat on the couch while Iwaizumi sat in the armchair. Oikawa brought out a tray with the tea and gave Shigeru a sad smile before setting it on the table. He handed Iwaizumi his glass, then Shigeru, then took his own before settling on the couch.

 

“We heard you guys had a pretty nasty fight, Shi-chan.”

 

Shigeru nodded and tears started to well in his eyes.

 

“I thought he was cheating on me. He told me he was working overtime, so I went to get some dinner for take-out and was gonna surprise him at work with it so we could eat together. He’s been working so much overtime lately that we hardly see each other anymore, but when I got to the station he was standing there holding a woman in his arms and kissing her forehead. It shocked me so much that I froze and couldn’t even move until after he was gone. After I got home I started looking at our bank books and it didn’t add up, if he was working all of that overtime we should’ve had extra money saved away, but there was nothing there. By the time he got home I was so upset that I wouldn’t even listen to him and all I did was yell at him.”

 

Iwaizumi cleared his throat to cut him off.

 

“You said you thought he was cheating on you, so you’ve already figured out he wasn’t, right?”

 

Shigeru nodded.

 

“His boss told me he really had overtime that night but his sister called him to come help with something.”

 

“He was with Ayako. You probably didn’t recognize her because she dyed her hair recently, but she wanted to break up with her possessive boyfriend. She was scared of how he’d react, so Ken went with her to keep her safe.”

 

Shigeru let out a shuddering breath and let the tears fall. What had he done? Eight years of being together, trusting and loving each other, and he threw all of it away in one night because he didn’t recognize the girl who was basically Kentarou’s second little sister. Oikawa handed him a tissue and started rubbing his back.

 

“The reason you didn’t see the money was because Ken-chan had a special savings book for it. He wanted to surprise you with a trip to Hokkaido for your birthday next month. He’s barely been able to contain his excitement and planned out every little detail with Hajime. He even talked to your boss about arranging a couple extra days off so he could whisk you away for a romantic weekend.”

 

Shigeru started sobbing even harder and Oikawa continued to rub his back.

 

“I’m sure you guys will make up soon, Shi-chan.”

 

Shigeru shook his head.

 

“We won’t, I was awful to him. I didn’t even let him talk. When he yelled back to try to get me to listen I slapped him in the face.”

 

“You did WHAT?!”

 

Iwaizumi was fuming. He stood up to grab Shigeru by the collar and pulled him up off of the couch. Shigeru’s face cracked even more and he sobbed out.

 

“I hit him! And when he walked away I yelled after him that walking away was what he was good at! I’m the fucking worst person on the planet.”

 

Iwaizumi dropped him unceremoniously on the couch before storming back to his chair and sitting with his head in his hands.

 

“Do you even realize what you’ve done?”

 

“I hurt the person I love most because I was stupid and blinded by anger and jealousy.”

 

“You did so much worse than that. I- I can’t believe you fucking hit him. He didn’t tell me about that, only that you guys broke up because you thought he was cheating on you. No wonder he insisted that there was no way you guys would get back together.”

 

“See, Tooru? He hates me.”

 

Iwaizumi shook his head.

 

“He doesn’t hate you… he loves you more than anything. God damnit Shigeru, not only did you break his heart, you broke his trust. Don’t you remember what happened to Kimiko a couple years ago?”

 

Shigeru felt the blood drain from his face as he thought back to when Kimiko showed up at their door, bloody, bruised and crying for her brother.

 

_“At first he only slapped me. It didn’t hurt that much so I ignored it, but this time when I didn’t listen he just kept hitting me until he got fed up and left. I don’t know what to do, Nii-chan!”_

 

He had to restrain Kentarou from going out to kill the bastard, and Kimiko lived with them for a couple months until they were sure her ex wouldn’t come after her anymore. After that they made Kimiko promise that if anything like that ever happened again it would be a one-and-done policy. If anyone even threatened to get violent she would leave and never look back.

 

Shigeru’s breath hitched and he started shaking. No wonder Kentarou basically fell off the face of the earth. He left and wasn’t looking back, just like they told Kimiko to if this ever happened to her again. He clenched his hands and rubbed them into his eyes as he sobbed even harder than before.

 

_“Oh my god.”_

 

Iwaizumi looked up from his hands and locked eyes with him.

 

“Shigeru, stop trying to reach out to him, and stay here for the night. I’ll text him so he can go get his things, but after that leave him alone. He’s gonna need time, and when he’s ready he’ll reach out to you. You’re not allowed to be selfish anymore, you lost that right when you hit him. If anything is ever gonna get fixed between you two, it’ll be on his terms. Do you understand me?”

 

Shigeru nodded and Oikawa wrapped him up in a hug, too shocked by the whole situation to come up with any words of comfort. Iwaizumi left to text Kentarou and Shigeru eventually cried himself to sleep in Oikawa’s arms.

 

\---

 

Kimura walked into the back room where Kentarou was cooking a fresh batch of chicken to put out to sell. She put a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see the pained look on his face.

 

“I told him you quit, just like you asked. Are you sure it’s alright to leave things like this? He seems really worried about you.”

 

Kentarou gave her a short nod.

 

“Yeah, it’s better if I don’t see him for a while. I need some time and it’s easier if he doesn’t come looking for me here.”

 

She nodded and patted him on the back.

 

“If you need some time off, just let me know. We’ll work it out, okay?”

 

“Thanks, Kimura-san.”

 

She walked away and Kentarou sighed. For as long as they’d known each other the only other time Shigeru ever laid a hand on him was during the match against Karasuno as second years. He knew this was something Shigeru wasn’t likely to repeat, but the fact that it happened kept eating away at the back of his mind. It only takes them getting away with it once, that’s what he and Shigeru talked about with Kimiko.

 

It only takes one slap.

 

“Fuck.”

 

Kentarou pulled the chicken out of the fryer to drain and stepped away to the bathroom to wash his face. After he cleaned up he went back to work and tried to focus on that instead. After his shift ended he changed clothes and checked his phone. There was a new text from Iwaizumi.

 

**18:49 From Hajime:**

 

_Shigeru came looking for you, he told us everything. We’re having him spend the night here so you can get your things._

 

**18:50 From Hajime:**

 

_If you need to talk I’m here for you, alright?_

 

Kentarou stared blankly at his phone. So much for not letting Iwaizumi find out about the slap… though that was a fruitless effort from the start. He fiddled with the keys in his pocket before sighing and making his way back to their apartment. He sent Kimiko a text letting her know where he was going, and that he’d need help in the morning to take away his things. He wasn’t really ready to suddenly up and move, so he was gonna have to put his stuff into bags to take with him.

 

When he finally got to the apartment the finality of the whole thing washed over him. This would probably be the last time he’d ever walk into the home he built with Shigeru. He bit his lip and valiantly tried to hold back his tears as he unlocked the door and walked inside. It was dead silent, all of the lights were off, and the familiar warmth had all but disappeared.

 

He clicked on the hall light and looked around. There were no dishes in the sink, the living room was clean, even the laundry he still had to do was already clean and folded neatly in a basket at the foot of their bed. The only thing that wasn’t perfect was Shigeru’s side of the bed and his pajamas thrown haphazardly into the hamper. He chuckled to himself, Shigeru had always been a compulsive cleaner when he was stressed out.

 

He went back out into the living room to grab a couple books he wanted to keep, got some things from the closet that were his, grabbed his toiletries from the bathroom, then went back into the bedroom to pack his clothes. After he was done he was surprised at how little of their belongings were exclusively his, everything was just… _theirs._

 

He sighed and walked over to their desk and took out a notepad and a pen. He finally let himself cry as he wrote a short letter and put it in and envelope along with his half of the rent and utilities for the month before laying it on the nightstand on Shigeru’s side of the bed.

 

The past few days had been physically and emotionally draining and he was exhausted. Shigeru was going to stay the night with Iwaizumi and Oikawa, so Kentarou decided to spend one last night in their bed. He laid down on his side of the bed, grabbed Shigeru’s pillow to hold to his chest, and thought about how things could’ve gone differently.

 

How if he’d just sent a text after Kimiko called him he would be holding Shigeru in his arms instead of a pillow.

 

How if he’d gotten his bearings when their fight started and said he was helping Ayako they could have ended the fight so much faster.

 

How he wished he could look past the slap and stay.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

All he could do was sit there and cry because his feelings had no other way to show themselves. Kentarou hated crying. It made him feel weak, clogged his nose, and always ended with a headache. The only good thing about a strong cry was how easily it put him to sleep, but he hadn’t had one in years. This situation was as good as any to let himself break down, and the next thing he knew his alarm was going off and the sun was peeking through the curtains.

 

He groaned as he lifted himself off the bed, he looked down at his pillow and it was soaked with tears. He turned it over so the dry side was facing up, made the bed and texted Kimiko to come bring her car. He grabbed his phone charger, his laptop, and his bags and took them over to the door before roaming through the apartment one last time to see if he missed anything. He picked up Shigeru’s pajamas and put them in the hamper properly then sighed before shutting off all of the lights. He grabbed his things and Kimiko was already waiting for him outside.

 

She helped him load the bags in her car before wrapping him in a hug. He squeezed her back and rubbed his face in her shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry, Nii-chan.”

 

“Don’t be, this isn’t your fault. I’ll be okay. Are you sure its okay for me to stay with you though? I had money saved up that I don’t have a use for now, I can get my own place.”

 

“Take your time to save up more. You’re gonna have to get furniture now, too. Besides, I miss seeing you every day.”

 

Kentarou chuckled and pulled away to give her a smile.

 

“Well it seems like you’re not getting rid of me for a bit. Maybe I’ll finally see your elusive boyfriend.”

 

She smacked him on the shoulder.

 

“You’re imagining things. I’m happily single, thank you very much. Let’s go home.”

 

“Hold on, I forgot something.”

 

Kentarou walked back into the apartment, took the key off his keyring and placed it on Shigeru’s nightstand next to the envelope with his letter. As he walked back out he locked the doorknob from the inside and made sure it was securely closed before walking down to the car and getting inside. The hard part was over, now to just figure out how to move forward…

 

\---

 

Shigeru woke up in the middle of the night on Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s couch, wrapped in a fuzzy alien blanket and a couple pillows resting under his head. He looked around and saw that there was a glass of water on the table with a couple rice balls on a plate, covered in plastic wrap. There was a note next to it, reminding him to stay put and not go home until the morning.

 

Bits of his earlier conversation with Oikawa and Iwaizumi flooded back to the front of his mind. How angry Iwaizumi was with him, how the normally talkative Oikawa was at a loss for words, but especially how quickly Iwaizumi’s anger dissipated into blank disbelief.

 

He knew Kentarou was at home, and it was taking all of his willpower to not run straight there to apologize. Iwaizumi was right though, Kentarou needed time. Even though Shigeru had screamed at him about it in his frustration, walking away from fights was probably one of the best things Kentarou did for their relationship. It gave them both time to cool down before they did or said anything they couldn’t take back…

 

“Damnit.”

 

Shigeru ran his fingers through his hair and laid back down. Going back to sleep was out of the question, maybe he’d call out from work today. It’s not like he’d be able to focus anyway. He pulled his headphones out of his pocket and watched videos on his phone to keep his mind occupied. At some point he must have drifted back off to sleep, the alarm on his phone startled him awake and he nearly fell off the couch. Yeah, he definitely couldn’t work today.

 

He called his boss and let him know he wasn’t coming in, then went to the bathroom to relieve himself and wash his face. When he came back out Oikawa was making a pot of coffee and gave him a small smile.

 

“Hey, Shi-chan. You okay?”

 

“About as okay as I can be, I guess. You want help with anything?”

 

“I’m just making coffee, I can handle that. Do you want any?”

 

Shigeru shook his head.

 

“Nah, I think I just wanna go home. I didn’t sleep well last night, so I think a hot shower and my bed would do me some good.”

 

Oikawa nodded and walked over to give him a hug. He squeezed Shigeru tighter than usual and gave him a pat on the back.

 

“You’ll get through this. I’m here if you need me, okay?”

 

Shigeru gave him a small smile and a nod.

 

“Yeah, I know. Thanks. When Hajime wakes up… tell him I said thanks, and that I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you two to get caught in the middle like this. I’ll wait for Ken to come to me, if he ever decides to see me again. I don’t wanna make this worse for anyone.”

 

“Anyone can make a mistake, Shi-chan. All of us know you would never intentionally hurt Ken-chan. It’s gonna take time, but you’ll both make it through this.”

 

“I sure hope so.”

 

Oikawa showed him to the door and gave him another hug before he left. Shigeru took his time getting home, not sure if Kentarou was still there. He stopped by a café to get some breakfast just in case. Once he got home he checked the entryway for Kentarou’s shoes, and all of them were gone.

 

Now to see what else was going to leave a void.

 

He walked through the kitchen and everything was still there, even Kentarou’s favorite mug. It was part of a set so he wasn’t all that surprised that it got left behind. There were a couple spaces on the bookshelf, but he couldn’t bring himself to remember which titles were missing. The bathroom was missing all of Kentarou’s things, it felt so weird to see the counter half empty.

 

Now for the room he was dreading the most. He braced himself as best he could and walked into their- well, his bedroom. The nightstand on Kentarou’s side of the bed was cleared of his laptop and clock. Their closet was emptied of his clothes and the basket of Kentarou’s laundry that he’d washed and folded was gone, probably emptied and placed on top of the dryer where they usually kept it.

 

Shigeru sighed and sat down on his side of the bed. A glimmer of light caught his eye and when he looked over to his nightstand another wave of dread washed over him. There was an envelope addressed to him… and Kentarou’s key to the apartment. He swallowed his tears back and reached for the envelope. There was money and a letter from Kentarou inside, he took a deep breath and read it.

 

_Hey Shigeru,_

_Sorry, I wish I was able to say this to you in person, but I’m just not ready to see you yet. Hajime told me you let him and Tooru know what happened, so I’m pretty sure you’ve realized why I can’t be with you anymore. I know you didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did, but we can’t change the past. I wish I would’ve just sent you a text letting you know I had to help Aya-chan, then all of this would’ve never happened. I’m so sorry. I just… I can’t get what happened to Kimiko out of my head, so there’s no way I can stay._

_I put my half of the bills and rent for this month with this letter, I hope it helps. When I’m ready I’ll reach out to you, I promise. I miss you so much. I always knew you were the most important thing in my life, but god it’s so much more noticeable when you’re gone. I still need time to think though, and I’m sure you do, too. I hope that by the time I’m ready to see you, you’ll be ready to see me. But for now, this is gonna have to be goodbye._

_Love,_

_Kentarou_

 

Shigeru read the letter over, and over, and over again.

 

_I can’t be with you anymore._

_I’m so sorry._

_I miss you so much._

_This is gonna have to be goodbye._

 

Shigeru folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope before rolling backwards onto the bed. He wished he could call Kentarou and tell him none of this was his fault, tell him he missed him too and that he was sorry. But he couldn’t. He grabbed Kentarou’s pillow and brought it to his chest and buried his face in it. It was cold and damp, so Shigeru held it up to take a closer look. Half of the pillow was dark and he ran his fingers over it as he processed what he saw.

 

Thinking back, Shigeru can’t even think of a time where he’s seen Kentarou cry. Sure, he’d seen some tears lining his eyes in frustration after losing a match, or when he had a rough day at work, but never anything close to what would result in this.

 

He caused this.

 

Kentarou was home last night, packing up his things, writing him a letter to say goodbye… and he probably cried the entire time before crying himself to sleep. Shigeru’s rock, his foundation, his _everything,_ broke because of something _he_ did.

 

He couldn’t bring himself to cry anymore, he didn’t have the right to. He pulled the pillow close to his chest and hugged it as tight as he could.

 

“Ken, I’m so sorry.”

 

\---

 

It had taken nearly a month, but Kentarou was finally at a point where he could call himself okay. Iwaizumi came over after he’d settled down in Kimiko’s apartment, it was a hard conversation but Iwaizumi was able to tell him how Shigeru came to such an awful conclusion about what he’d seen. It was pretty easy to forgive him after that. As upset as the situation made him, he understood where Shigeru was coming from. Kentarou always hated keeping secrets from him, and this time it really bit them both in the ass.

 

Valentine’s Day was probably the hardest day so far. Out of habit he’d made the truffles he did every year. He fought with himself in the park near their old apartment for hours before deciding he still couldn’t handle the thought of seeing Shigeru just yet and walked back home with his figurative tail between his legs.

 

Now though, he felt like he just might be able to handle it. Shigeru’s birthday was coming up in a couple days, and Kentarou wanted to see him and wish him a happy birthday. He hadn’t gone almost a whole decade without getting Shigeru a bowl of ikura-don from his favorite local spot for dinner, and now that he was starting to feel okay again, he didn’t want to break his streak.

 

He called Iwaizumi and asked if he could meet with him and Oikawa at their house so he could get a feel for how Shigeru might be doing. Just because he felt that he was ready to see him that didn’t mean the reverse was true. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin his birthday.

 

Iwaizumi met him at the door and welcomed him inside. Oikawa had just finished making tea and brought out three mugs with a box of cookies he knew Kentarou liked. Really, his old captain still remembered the weirdest stuff. After they got settled in Kentarou cut right to what he’d come there for, he didn’t see the point in beating around the bush.

 

“I… think I’m ready to see Shigeru again.”

 

“REALLY?!”

 

Kentarou startled and looked back at Oikawa. His eyes were glittering with excitement and a huge smile was plastered across his face. He looked over to Iwaizumi who had a soft smile and Kyoutani gave a short nod.

 

“I just don’t know if he wants to see me yet.”

 

Oikawa was practically vibrating in his seat.

 

“He is. He really is Ken-chan. Should I call him over?”

 

Iwaizumi got up and put his hands on Oikawa’s shoulders to try to make him stay put.

 

“Stop, Tooru. That isn’t everything he has to say,” he glanced back over to Kentarou, “right?”

 

He nodded and Oikawa sighed in defeat. Iwaizumi sat on Kentarou’s other side on the couch and patted him on the back.

 

“He saw you, you know. At the park on Valentine’s Day.”

 

Kentarou’s eyes went wide as he snapped his head to look back at Iwaizumi.

 

“What?”

 

“He saw you. He said it took every ounce of his willpower to not run straight over to you. He’s been ready to see you, well, since you left. He thought you might be ready to see him then, but he didn’t wanna risk anything. He said he’d wait for you to go to him like you asked. When you didn’t show up at the apartment he was both upset and relieved that he didn’t run to you when he saw you.”

 

Kentarou looked down at his lap and fiddled with his hands. He thought it was pretty stupid to feel proud of his ex, but he couldn’t help it. Shigeru had practically no self control when it came to the things he wanted, but he held back for Kentarou’s sake. Kentarou sighed and leaned over to rest his head on Iwaizumi’s shoulder.

 

“I’ve missed him too.” He used his foot to nudge Oikawa’s leg. “Help me surprise him for his birthday?”

 

Oikawa perked right back up and started vibrating again.

 

“There’s so much to do Ken-chan!”

 

Kentarou started laughing.

 

“Not really. I just want you guys to tell him you’re taking him out, but when you to his place to ‘pick him up’ you’re really just dropping me off. I can be your present.”

 

Iwaizumi chuckled, put his arm around Kentarou’s shoulders, and leaned down to whisper in his ear.

 

“You sure you’re ready? There’s no shame in taking more time.”

 

Kentarou nodded and Iwaizumi smiled before they both looked up to watch Oikawa fretting about the house.

 

“I know he bugs you, but you have to admit. It’s pretty fun to watch him lose his composure like this.”

 

“Yeah, never got to see this in high school. Thanks, by the way, for helping me with this whole shitty situation. I don’t know if I could’ve handled it without you guys. Not that Tooru ever needs to know I said that.”

 

“Yeah, well, Tooru’s really close to Shigeru, just like you and me. Both of us hated seeing you guys like that, of course we’re gonna do whatever we can to help you. We just want you guys to be happy.”

 

Kentarou sighed and his shoulders sank.

 

“I can’t get back together with him. I haven’t stopped thinking about it, and I tried to force myself to look past it, but I just _can’t._ I want to at least try to recover our friendship, but if he doesn’t wanna see me anymore after we talk it out, then I won’t force him. To be honest I don’t know how I’m gonna handle being just friends with him, but I wanna try.”

 

Iwaizumi rubbed his hand in Kentarou’s hair.

 

“Shigeru’s had time to think too. He already knows you guys won’t get back together, so I’m sure he’s already prepared himself to be just friends. You guys know it’s gonna be hard, but the point is you’re both ready and willing to try. You’re adults, you’ve matured, and it’s not like this is a petty grudge. You both feel strongly about this kind of thing after what happened to Kimiko. Don’t worry, he understands.”

 

Kentarou nodded and pulled away from Iwaizumi to get Oikawa’s attention.

 

“Tooru, I’m counting on you to get him to agree to look like a human before we get over there.”

 

“I’ll shave him myself if I have to.”

 

Both Iwaizumi and Kentarou snorted.

 

“I don’t doubt it. Thanks.”

 

\---

 

Shigeru loved his sempai, really, he did. But Oikawa was getting really annoying about taking him out for his birthday. Talking about making sure he cleaned himself up because he and Iwaizumi were taking him out to eat to his favorite restaurant. Can’t he just wallow in his sorrows alone? He was supposed to be out on a romantic getaway with Kentarou right now, but he screwed that up and he wanted to just eat ice cream in make a nest of blankets on his bed with his favorite book.

 

Oikawa had a point though. Maybe getting out with some fresh air would be good for him. He shaved and got out a nice pair of jeans with his favorite t-shirt before sitting on his couch to wait for them to arrive. He heard his doorbell ring so he walked to the door and was greeted by an overly happy Oikawa and a smiling Iwazumi.

 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHI-CHAN! I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU!”

 

Shigeru chuckled.

 

“You didn’t need to do that. Thanks though.”

 

“C’mon, c’mon! Close your eyes and hold your hands out!”

 

He sighed and did as he was asked. After a few seconds warm, familiar hands wrapped around his and his eyes snapped open. Kentarou was standing in front of him with a shy smile on his face.

 

“Happy bir-“

 

Before Kentarou could even finish Shigeru launched forward and wrapped his arms around his shoulders to hold him close. He could feel Kentarou’s hands wrapped around his waist and squeeze him back just as hard. He was really here. Before he could stop himself Shigeru was sobbing into Kentarou’s shoulder.

 

“Ken… Ken I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so-“

 

“Shh, you’re okay, I’m here.” Kentarou squeezed him tighter, “I missed you, too. Sorry I took so long.”

 

Shigeru shook his head. He couldn’t get words to form in his mouth with how much he was crying, but he didn’t want Kentarou to apologize. All of this was his fault for jumping to the conclusions he did even though he knew better. After a couple minutes he was able to peel himself away and look him in the eyes. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were gone, but a bag of take-out was left by the door and Shigeru could see the container for his bowl of ikura-don and he chuckled.

 

“No wonder Tooru was so persistent about meeting today. I thought he was just sick of me holing up in my room.”

 

“I’m sure he was, but this time I asked him for help.”

 

“He probably felt like it was his birthday if you of all people wanted his help.”

 

Kentarou snorted and nodded.

 

“That was the first time I’ve ever seen him lose his composure like that. He was fretting around the house for like twenty minutes.”

 

Shigeru picked up the bag of take-out and beckoned Kentarou inside. It was weird, having to invite him into what used to be their shared home. He hadn’t changed it much. A few new books on the bookshelf, a couple more pillows on the couch since he no longer had a body to lean against as he read, otherwise it was pretty much the same. He took the food into their living room while Kentarou got drinks for them both and they got settled on the couch.

 

The silence was deafening, but Shigeru was having a hard time breaking it. Kentarou pulled the food out of the bag and handed Shigeru his bowl.

 

“Happy birthday. I didn’t get to finish saying it earlier.”

 

Shigeru huffed out a laugh.

 

“Thanks.”

 

 They ate quietly, with each of them stealing glances while the other wasn’t looking. When they finished they put their trash in the bag and Shigeru cleared his throat, he had to say _something._

 

“I… I’ve missed you. I’m sorry, and I don’t expect us to get back together or anything. I just, god, I miss you Ken.” His voice cracked as he tried to hold himself back from crying again, but he failed. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have hit you, I shouldn’t have gotten so mad that I wouldn’t listen to you, and I should’ve known better. I’m sorry.”

 

Kentarou stood up just enough to reach over to grab the tissues on the other side of the coffee table before sitting close enough to Shigeru that their legs brushed together. He pulled a couple out and started wiping away the tears from Shigeru’s face and Shigeru could see the tears beginning to form in his eyes.

 

“I’ve missed you too. This whole time I’ve been trying to get over what happened… The sooner I did, the sooner I could see you. It was all I thought about. I just-“ he started crying, “I tried Shigeru, I really did. I can’t get past it. I’m-“

 

Shigeru put a finger to Kentarou’s lips and shook his head.

 

“You did nothing wrong, don’t apologize.”

 

“But-“

 

Shigeru pulled him close and tucked Kentarou’s head under his chin.

 

“Shhh, this isn’t your fault. I’m sorry.”

 

Kentarou wrapped his arms around Shigeru’s back and Shigeru hugged him back as they both cried it out. Things weren’t supposed to end up like this between the two of them. They were happy, they both still loved each other, but after what happened… that was in the way of them being able to move on. Happily ever after with the love of his life just wasn’t possible anymore. He squeezed Kentarou closer and kissed the crown of his head.

 

“Ken, you know I love you, right?” Kentarou nodded his head. “You know I want you to be happy, right?” Another nod. “Ken, you know what I’m gonna say.” Kentarou stilled before squeezing him back tighter and giving another slow nod. “You… you won’t be happy if we stay close and constantly think about what if. Neither of us will.” Shigeru balled his hands into fists and hugged him as tight as he could. “I’m sorry that I ruined things, but I’m just not someone who can make you happy anymore. I want you to be happy, Ken.”

 

Kentarou rubbed his face in Shigeru’s shirt.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I know.”

 

“You’re not allowed to just leave my life using a Star Wars line. Try again.”

 

Laughter bubbled out from both of their chests as they started to pull away from each other. They were both messes. Swollen eyes and running noses made them both look like oversized tanuki. Kentarou brushed the stray hairs away from Shigeru’s face.

 

“I… kinda knew it would come to this. I was hoping it wouldn’t, but I know you’re right. You have to promise that you’re gonna try to be happy too, alright?”

 

Shigeru nodded.

 

“I know, I promise. Can you tell Aya-chan I’m sorry too? She probably feels like it’s her fault, I don’t want her to think that. I know it’s my fault.”

 

“I told her it’s not her fault, but I’ll let her know.”

 

“You should wash your face. It’ll help with the swelling. I’ll finish cleaning up.”

 

“Alright, thanks.”

 

Kentarou left to the bathroom and Shigeru grabbd the bag of trash and sorted it before grabbing the cups and giving them a quick wash. When Kentarou came back out of the bathroom Shigeru walked him to the door.

 

“I guess this is it.”

 

Kentarou nodded.

 

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

 

They both hesitated then Shigeru stepped back into the entryway.

 

“Bye, Ken.”

 

Kentarou reached out and cupped Shigeru’s cheek in his hand. He leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to his lips.

 

“Bye, Shigeru.”

**Author's Note:**

> SOOOOO this fucking sucked to write. I hated it. I am glad it's over with. Fuck this thing.


End file.
